Tomorrow I am 35.
This is in no way a problem in itself but is bringing me problems due to many other reasons. Firstly the date, 9/11 for which I have a double meaning tattoo. I feel wrong celebrating while there are memorial programmes on TV.
I fell out with my brother a few months ago. Well to be honest I saw a re-emergence of his true colours rearing their ugly heads when we were on a family holiday last year. His wife and son were there but from the get go things weren't good. His attitude and mood were horrible and he was his usual argumentative self.
The room was no good as it had tiles on a floor, a toddler could fall and hurt themselves. There was no baby pool. Reason after reason kept coming and brought with it a dark mood.
Then his true form came out. He argued badly with his wife on night and they fell out. I missed all the tension at first as I had gone off with my dad somewhere and when we met up again with everyone else you could quite clearly cut the tension with a knife.
Al stormed off taking Carlos with him.
From the early evening Al just got angrier, thrusted Carlos to me, and in amongst all the anger Carlos was crying out for his dad and Al just turned his back on him whilst refusing his paternity.
These events started out to be the beginning of the end of my relationship with Al. We never got on as kids, at any age. He was always volatile, always beating me up at school, holding me off the ground by my neck. Always going for the biggest weak spot in my body, my chest which due to a childhood heart condition as well as chronic asthma was just a stupid place to kick out at.
After taking a couple of heavy beatings in my late teens, once while trying to 'step in' on the fact he was going to lay out my best friend (whom he was dating at the time) and the other when he kicked me in the chest down the stairs and carried on with his fists. I left home. My folks weren't doing anything to help and anything I said fell on deaf ears as usual. My mum just downed her bottles of gin or whatever the fuck she was drinking and hiding all whilst hiding anything Al did from my dad to avoid conflict. In doing this his whole life she created a monster in Al.
We started talking again when I was in my late 20's. His volatile nature hadn't subsided but by then I realised that I could simply walk away at any time. My relationship with them all [my family] was on my terms. I made the move to go and see them in London when I wanted and they didn't make the hour drive to see me unless I asked them to. At the end of the day a perfect relationship.
Recently I made the 'error' of standing up to Al, not taking his crap even online and speaking out at him when he comes into my online domain and launches a barrage of abuse at me for all to see. I will not bow down to his moods and I sure as hell won't keep things quiet for the sake of a quiet life like my mum asks. But in doing so the relationship between me and my mum has disintegrated into nothing and we haven't spoken or had any contact at all for a few months now, maybe more, I lose track. The last contact I had with her was her rant of an email informing me she is giving me some money and that I shouldn't contact her again all the while sticking up for my bro, although said in not such a nice way.
I say 'error' as in doing all this, in having enough of their madness, I have lost contact with my dad. He won't respond to phone messages, text messages or emails from me. The worst part is losing touch with the boy genius, Carlos Alberto. Gaby and Carlos do not live with Al, mainly due to the reasons explained above, and so they live the other side of the road with my folks. Any way you put it though I am not welcome and so I can't see Carlos, the kid I travelled to Argentina with, the kid I sat on a bus for 28 hours straight with, the kid who calls me 'Tia' and that is the only thing for which my heart bleeds.
And so back to the point in question, my birthday. Not celebrated for 9 years now and it isn't going to be celebrated this year either. My best friend is out in the Oman desert until next year and my family are [for the time being] strangers to me. Another friend is going to the Festival of Speed on a whim and I have just about given up even thinking about it.
So move along folks, nothing to see here. Definitely no sign of a birthday or any form of celebration but I'm cool with that.
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