Induction into madness

Ten years ago just gone I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar after fighting a running battle to be kept out of hospital due to racing random thoughts and the feeling I need to either run or hide away from the world in general. I also was unable to string a coherent sentence together.
Ten years down the line the racing random thoughts are still there. I still feel the occasional need to hide myself from the world and have learnt to lie pretty convincingly to everyone that I'm OK. I am OK. I am not OK.
I am lonely truth be told. But I don't really want company or someone there 24/7.

When I was very little my dad would disappear into the hugeness that is the world. He lived in Philly when I was about 3 leaving my mum sobbing quietly. He would disappear a lot like that when I was a kid. One moment be there and the next he'd be gone. It's only with age and experience that I can understand what he may have been experiencing. He's a war Vet. Fought in Ireland (Belfast) in the 70's and got hurt pretty badly. fought in the Falklands... He refuses point blank to talk about his experiences to the point he will get up and walk out of the room if Belfast is even mentioned.

I honestly believe he suffered post traumatic stress disorder which over the years, having gone untreated (or even recognised for so many years) has turned into a black depression. His mum, my nan, also went through a lot of  'hospitals' and had a serious amount of brutal treatment via 'doctors' so I strongly believe the bipolar thing is only to be expected really.

But I live with it, I sometimes embrace it for all it's weird and wackiness and sometimes, in the deepest darkest depths of winter I hate it. I have found that if I say the randomness that is on my mind I can usually make people laugh a lot. The flip side of that is feeling overly sad by things, the state of humanity, the lack of compassion, the death of a sense of community, but I do what I can and try to live with karma in mind. Being important is nice but being nice is important.