Someone saved my life tonight, Sugar Bear

You almost had your hooks in me, didn't you dear?

Yesterday I saved the life of my car. To do this I had to play with her nipples....

I drive a classic Rover Mini which mechanics are very happy to inform me are no longer catered for parts wise. What do they know, the grease monkeys? The truth of the matter is that parts are readily available and the car is easy to work on. So easy that a girl, alone, can fix a clutch on one. My clutch has been non-existent for a while now and on occasion I have had to turn the car off, put her into gear, and then turn her on again to drive. One customer from the tattoo studio kept telling me it isn't the clutch, it's the gearbox. Best oil her up and sell her on cause it's gonna cost you thousands. What scared me most about this guy is that he serviced the car and then recently told me he filled the gearbox thing with oil. I told him the unique quality about an 'A'Series engine was that the gearbox shared oil with the sump. He laughed and said 'bless' and reminded me he has been a mechanic since he was 16. If any of you want to go and check the facts about 'A'series engines you'll see that I am, in fact, correct. (although I may have written it wrong or used incorrect terminology) This is the guy that calls me 'princess' and tries to do everything for me in regards to the car and tries to get me to go to his all the time for god knows what, but I fucking hate being treated like a helpless female of the species. I have been alone since the age of 17 and certainly don't need being patronised. Anyway to correct the clutch I needed hydrolics fluid and tubing...

The tubing the guy in the car parts place was way too tight and wouldn't have fitted across the nipple no matter what I did... (I now sound kinda pervy) and I thought 'well fuck you, I'm gonna get around this and succeed anyway' (The power of bizarre childhood + freaky parents = fiercely independent one girl army) I went up into my flat and got a hotwater bottle full of thrice boiled water, (I later found out I could have boiled the kettle a million times, it makes no difference to the temp of the water) pliers and various other bits and pieces for my A-Team style repairs. Put tubing into hot water bottle leaving the end hanging out and wait with hot water bottle across chest for five minutes (positioning is everything) when the tubing had softened considerably I could force my needle nose pliers into one end and pull the handle apart and then blow on the tube so it resets into the much bigger size. Fit first time onto the nipple.

Second stage, hard part, open clutch hydrolics bit thing and run round to depress the clutch peddle, jam it into place and run around to reseal the clutch thing. Repeat and repeat and repeat! The hydrolics fluid that came out was black, nasty and full of sediment. When it started to run clear again I could stop, seal the bit thing up and then reassemble the car again ending up by reattaching the ECU and bolting it into place. Go to the rear of the car and reattach the battery and wait til the ECU re-recognises the immobiliser. Start her up and then 'fuck it' not working.....

....what I didn't realise was that it was working, working better than ever and my gears were sliding in and out so effortlessly that I didn't realise they were working at all, I was prepared for at least a little resistance but I got nothing! I can really kick arse when I put my mind to it and become determined enough.

While I was doing all this with my car though I had an unusual audience in the form of 2 coppers (feds, rozzers, old bill, police...) as earlier I had found an abandoned moped with only 59 miles on the clock, wires pulled out everywhere, no reg plate, to tax disc. I called to police to report it and to get it taken away from where the garage is and they came while I was doing my car. I guess not a lot of small single females work on their own cars as they treated me as if I was an alien, at moments almost, but not quite, taking the piss outta me breaking nails or whatever. I decided to talk them through my car, how it came as a 60bhp basic but limited edition model and how I had tuned the shit out of the engine so she now ran at just over 97bhp (That's Brake Horse Power to you non petrol heads, a huge increase for a very small and very light car) I explained what parts had been upgraded, the head unit, exhaust system and so on, raised an eyebrow gave a wink and said if they needed any work done on their motors I'd be happy to look at it... When they got a truck in to pick the moped up (125cc brand new suzuki, black and red) they told me if no-one claims it within 6 weeks I could have it, free and would I be interested? Hell to the Yeah I would!!!

So my day off, fixed a car saving myself at least £120.... Maybe obtained a scooter for summer time fun and have had a fucking tremendous sense of achievement since... Score 1 for Ness for once